Bachelorette Recap, Hannah, Ep. 1: Here a Bro There a Bro

Have we ever had a Bachelor or Bachelorette who still lives at home with the ‘rents? This feels like a first.

We get a glimpse of Hannah’s reaction to learning that she’s the new Bachelorette, and she immediately yells “Mom!” and proceeds to fill in her roommates. I mean, I’m not against someone getting married straight out of living with their parents, but it feels a bit odd, no?

I was going to inquire about her job status, but it looks like she’s a toddler dance teacher which is A for Adorable. I’m all about a woman finding herself…and I guess if that means living with Mom and Dad and not using your degree (who does?) and going on a TV show to find a man, I’m not mad at it. But like, can we at least acknowledge that Rachel and Andi being lawyers made them a wee bit more eligible? Not WORTHY— just eligible.

For the record, at the ripe old age of 24, I was a waitress in New York City and the reigning Miss New York. I really had no idea what I was doing with my life either. In fact, I’m 30 and I still don’t. So no judgment here, just observation.

Besides pageants and never using our college degrees, Hannah and I have something else in common! Neither of us has any idea what to do when ‘working’ the camera. If she ran her fingers through her hair one more time when twirling on the beach, I was going to personally send her a care package of nothing but dry shampoo.

As Hannah prepares for the big night with Demi (love) and Katie (way shorter than I remember), we get the distinct pleasure of meeting some of her boyfriends.

Tyler C dances around a construction zone shirtless, telling the camera that he’s only two college credits shy of being a dance minor. Interpretation: He took a few dance classes in college in order to meet girls. He’s too afraid to bend over and pet his dog because he doesn’t want to ruin the shot of his six pack, but he’s still in my Top 2.

Peter the Pilot reminds me of Steven from Laguna Beach for some reason. He’s very normal and cute and I want him to go far. (Get it? Because airplanes go far…? It was a bad one. I apologize.)

Mike is so sweet, and brings his great-grandmother flowers before he leaves for the show. I don’t know how she’s still alive or how young the women in his family start having babies, but either way it was touching. I wasn’t sure if I was going to forgive him for wearing a brown turtleneck in his interviews, but he deserves a second chance.

Joe ‘The Box King’ was everything I expected him to be and much, much more. His midwestern accent made him pronounce “box” as “bax,” which is important to note, because that word comes out of his mouth at least six times a minute. The man LOVES his job selling packing materials. I laughed outloud when he introduced the cameras to his father and proudly said, “This is the man who taught me everything I need to know about baxes!” What else could a kid need to know?

Matt Donald’s family is deaf, so he grew up speaking sign language. He’s way too nice for this show. Life on the farm is cute, and so is his nickname Old Matt Donald had a farm EIEIOOOO. (My toddler loves to say EIEIO so obviously I’m partial.)

Connor J is the American Dream, and Luke P is a born again Christian who kind of scares me a little but we’ll see. Any guy who wears flair jeans and a gold cross necklace can’t be trusted at face value.

Alrighty, those were the lucky fellows to get opening packages! Not to be confused with baxes.

Hannah tells us that she’s ready to meet her men. Did she get a little sunburned before the interview? Or was that just my screen?

Chris Harrison greets her at the mansion and encourages her to “try a few different flavors” after she admits that she’s comfortable with southern guys. I don’t know how to feel about that comment, but okay Chris.

By the way, are Bachelorettes allowed to wear anything other than gold or silver gowns on night one?

I don’t think I’m going to go through all the limo entrances this year because most of them were forgettable. Plus we all know I hate recapping night one. Let’s talk about the ones that mattered.

First Out: The first one out is always expected to be a contender. Feeling pretty proud because I called Garrett to be one of the top guys, and he was the first one out! BOOM! He’s a pro golfer and wants to be her hole in one. I’ve heard worse pick up lines. Welcome, Garrett.

The Fence Jumper: Since Colton jumped a fence for Becca, it’s only fair that Connor S jumped a fence for Hannah. I mean, was it questionable because we couldn’t actually see the other side of the fence where he ascended? Yes. Was there an intern or two hoisting him up over the side of it? I’d bet money on it. But she likes him because he’s southern and has good hair.

John Paul Jones said his full name three times over, awkwardly hugged her, and ran inside. Spoiler: He gets a rose, and it was 100000% a producer choice, because Hannah thinks he’s super weird, which he is.

Shout out to Kevin for the most creative entrance, which was trying to hold a bunch of footballs and dropping them. He then said “Welp, I befumbled that entrance.” YES KEVIN.

I was personally befumbled by Luke’s Hannah Beast entrance, as he went all King Kong on top of the limo. She seemed to like it, meanwhile I don’t know what kind of beast wears a purple paisley tie. I don’t get good vibes from him.

Was it inappropriate or deeply relatable for that one guy to show up with a bottle of champagne in the car seat instead of a baby? For some reason, I found it relatable.

Old Matt Donald rolled up on a tractor singing his own version of Old McDonald Had a Farm, and it is my new anthem for basically any social setting that makes me grateful I’m no longer single, like a country themed bar or expensive gyms. “With a bro bro here and bro bro there, here a bro, there a bro, everywhere a bro bro.”

Naturally, The Box King gets dropped off in a box, then pops out and tells Hannah that his package isn’t complete without her. As if I’m not already sick to my stomach enough. (That’s why this post is out a day late, just fyi. Staring at a screen makes me super nauseous. Just like The Box King referencing his package.)

The Pilots come out back to back. She likes Peter more than she likes Chasen, but both seem surprisingly sweet for pilots. I mean, anyone is better than the one pilot I dated who got drunk and fell asleep at the table on our second date, then begged me to stay by attacking me with his tongue. I still have PTSD.

ABC wasted no time with entrances this season— had to make room for the contrived drama of the guy with a girlfriend back at home, of course!

But first, a toast.

We hold our breath as Hannah prepares to redeem herself from Toast Gate (now I’m hungry). Her well-rehearsed speech goes as planned, and when she finishes strong with glasses raised, she’s so proud of herself that she can’t help but exclaim, “Nailed it!!” Ah, there she is.

During one-on-one conversations, she seems to like Peter the Pilot and Jed the singer/songwriter the best.

Luke P (King Kong in paisley) is the most aggressive, pulling Hannah aside first and telling her he’s already obsessed with her. Yikes. Hannah is into it though, because she hasn’t had enough life experience to quickly diagnose someone with Crazy Eyes.

Producers didn’t trust Hannah to carry the entire night by herself, so Demi and Katie are called upon for backup entertainment. They post up in a white van with screens like they’re FBI agents, and spy on Hannah’s interactions. Demi caught wind that one of the guys has a girlfriend back home, so she’s waiting for him to pop on the screen.

As soon as he does, she summons Hannah to inform her that Scott— the guy that Hannah’s least attracted to so it doesn’t matter anyway— has a girl waiting for him back at home. He was just texting her on MONDAY! (Does anyone know what day of the week it is?)

Hannah’s out for blood. She storms back into the living room where all the men are gathered because one producer just gave them a heads up that it’s about to go DOWN. She points at Scott and tells him to follow her.

When she confronts him, he tries to say that it’s the same thing as how she was just dating Colton, and now she’s here. She says it’s absolutely not the same thing because she doesn’t have a guy back at home thinking they’ll be together when this whole thing is over.

Listen, Scott’s a jerk and also not cute. We don’t care he’s leaving.

After shoo-ing Scott out with a literal pushing pantomime, she tells the other guys she needs a minute to cool off. She does so in a literal fashion, since it’s clearly like 40 degrees in LA when they were filming. As she’s shaking and trying to stay warm, Luke P goes out to comfort her. But he does not offer her his jacket. RED FLAG, HANNAH, RUNNNN!!

Even though she kissed Cam (the guy who got the first rose when she met 5 guys on the night she was announced), and had a really natural kiss with Connor S (I KNEW she’d like him), she gives the first impression rose to Luke P.

Oh no.

They share a VERY chemistry-filled kiss, and I have a bad feeling she’s going to either be devastated when she finds out he is a lowkey maniac, or she’ll end up with him and find out the much harder way.

She didn’t talk to like, half of the guys, but time for the rose ceremony! She’ll be going with her gut. Panic and regret sweep over the room.

Cam and Luke P already have roses. The rest go to:

Mike who loves his great-grandma

Connor S with the good hair

Matthew

Connor J

Jed the singer/songwriter

Dustin

Joey the champagne baby

Devin

Peter the Pilot

Dylan

Matteo

Jonathan

Tyler C

Tyler G

Daron

Luke S

Garrett the first guy out of the limo

Grant

Kevin

John Paul Jones

WHAT??? No Chasen the Pilot? No Matt Donald? I don’t really care about the other ones, but I am sad she didn’t give lil Matt Donald a chance, and I thought Chasen seemed like a pretty decent catch. He tears up in his goodbye interview, which his pilot friends will never let him forget until the day he dies.

Teasers for the rest of the season make me feel like the Bachelorette prophet I am. Luke P definitely has an evil streak, and it seems like Connor S and Garrett go pretty far. STILL GOT IT! Line of the season is Hannah telling one of the guys that “I’ve had sex, but Jesus still loves me.”

I’m into this season. Let’s do this.