Is Minimalism Inherently Judgmental?
Buckle up, babes, because I have feelings today.
Two recent instances have rubbed me very much the wrong way when it comes to the exhausting inclination for humans to interpret the personal preferences of others as personal attacks on their choices or character.
Such is the internet. The nuance is almost nonexistent, and the justification is louder than ever. Bad combo!!
Years ago, I wrote a blog post about this black and white, me vs. you, online climate in specific regards to the subtle ways stay-at-home moms and working moms criticize each other, which you can read HERE.
(If you’ve been around awhile, you also know I take huge issue with the outdated titles of “SAHMs” and “working moms” in the first place…but I’ll save that rant for another time.)
The instances I am referring to today, however, are of the minimalist lifestyle nature.
Twice, I’ve seen posts criticizing decluttering or minimalism. Why the criticism? Because minimalism content was “making” them feel bad for not having a minimal home. Ironically, in these posts about feeling judged, the people posting were in turn judging those who are minimal by saying that they’re uptight, focused on aesthetics, or not letting their kids play enough.
Cue, Alanis Morissette.
First, let’s talk about why I put “making” in quotations.
No one can make you feel bad about a choice you’ve made if you already feel decidedly good about it.
When someone criticizes minimalism for “not allowing your kids to have fun” by making messes, or “caring more about how your house looks than pouring into your children”…that can’t make me feel bad about myself as a mom.
Why?
Because I know it’s not true. I’m quite confident in my motherhood.
Am I a perfect mom? Is that even a thing? 100% not. However, I know my life. I know that my kids are allowed to make messes. I know that I don’t have anxiety running around behind them trying to keep up a “perfect” home that looks like no kids live there.
I LOVE the choice we’ve made to pare down what we own so that I feel more calm inside the house, the kids have more room to play, and the mess never hangs over my head because it’s easy to clean up.
Someone accusing me, directly or indirectly, of not having a loving home just because I live minimally has no bearing on how I feel. I’ve made my choices for how I run our home very intentionally and thoughtfully. I also live here and they don’t, so their opinion of what happens under my roof is pretty unconvincing.
No one can “make” you feel judged or insecure if you are already secure and confident. (They can make you feel belittled, which is a different story.)
Thus, if you feel secure and confident about your home being cluttered or messy, then when you come across minimalist content, you won’t feel any sort of feelings about it. You’ll just go “okay cool, love that for them” and move right along.
If you’re consciously or subconsciously frustrated or embarrassed by the state of your home, then maybe those negative feelings are actually a signal that you *do* need to make a change instead of doubling down and becoming defiant.
However, if you feel negative feelings when you’re exposed to a lifestyle or idea, it doesn’t always mean your insecurity is an indication that you need to make a change. Maybe the choices you’re making really are what’s best for you and your family, but you simply haven’t taken the time to ponder them and find security in them.
This biggest issue here is that making assumptions about someone else just because they stir some sort of unsettled feeling in you is deeply hypocritical.
As someone who shares the benefits of living with less (from a spiritual, scientific, and personal perspective), I don’t feel any sort of way when I see maximalist accounts or different creators sharing why they love shopping or about why they’re unbothered by messy piles around their house.
I just scroll along because their life is their life and mine is mine. I don’t feel bad about my choices because…well…I don’t feel bad about my choices. That was decided long before I saw whatever they shared.
There’s an important step here that I’m going to end with:
If you’re in a mental state where following any sort of account – be it a minimalist account like mine, or an account about breastfeeding, or an account about money management– is bringing up insecurities and bad feelings from within you, it’s absolutely okay to unfollow.
Just remember: The blame is not on the creator (unless they’re name calling or being outright pompous). Instead, such a reaction reveals something going on inside you– which may not be your “fault” either. It’s all nuanced, and it’s all just LIFE.
Example: When I was unable to successfully exclusively breastfeed my son, I had to unfollow breastfeeding accounts. I felt SO upset whenever they’d post about the benefits of breastfeeding, because I took it as a personal affront to my motherhood. But that wasn’t their mission. Their mission was to share the benefits of breastfeeding. It was ME who took their words and made them judgmental.
Note: Some breastfeeding accounts are judgmental. Some minimalism accounts are judgmental. Of COURSE those accounts exist.
But more commonly? People are just spreading awareness about things they’ve found beneficial or deem important, and that has literally nothing to do with what you should find beneficial or deem important if you’ve already decided that you’re perfectly happy with the choices you’ve made.
And if it’s not a choice? If it’s something out of your control like my breastfeeding? Even still, that frustration has nothing to do with the person on the other end of your screen. So don’t make it about them.
(As always, caveats! Nuance! Exceptions! If people are outright being jerks or spreading misinformation or bullying or never acknowledging privilege or, or, or…then yeah, it might be about them. Even still, you are in charge of reacting in a way that aligns with your own values rather than matching tone.)
I hope that you follow accounts that challenge you in a good way, but don’t trigger feelings of insecurity lurking beneath the surface. I hope you curate your social media feeds in a way that brings joy instead of anxiety.
Truly, go ahead and unfollow. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just don’t kick someone else to make yourself feel better on the way out. Even my toddler knows that’s not the right thing to do.
